---HUMOR from Guido Just Guido himself---
*>*>Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
*>*>Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs. [thanks Dave]
*>*>Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
*>*>The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said. I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed." "We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?" "A student told me," I answered. "We'll send someone over right away."
*>*>The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner." The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner." The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."
*>*>The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse always gets the cheese.
*>*>The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
*>*>The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
*>*>The prospective father-in=law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves!"
*>*>The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayer before eating?" "No, sir," he replied. "We don't have to, my mom is a good cook."
*>*>The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some darned good ideas!
*>*>The water pistol - when my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol…he squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "I'm surprised at you! Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" mom smiled and then replied…"I remember!!"
*>*>To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
*>*>To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
*>*>Two accountants are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on, the first accountant jams something in the second accountant's hand. Without looking down, the second accountant whispers, "What is this?" To which the first accountant replies, "It's the $50 I owe you."
*>*>Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
*>*>When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
*>*>When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
*>*>When you work here, You can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".
*>*>When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
*>*>Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "In an emergency, notify:" I always put, "DOCTOR."
*>*>While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'
*>*>While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several of nurses were wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing", she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
*>*>Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children... One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!'
*>*>You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
*>*>You're never too old to learn something stupid.
*>*>One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
*>*>"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." winston Churchill
*>*>A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the driver's window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" ... "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
*>*>A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the drivers window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, What's going on? ... Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. Were going from car to car, collecting donations. How much is everyone giving, on average? the driver asks. The man replies, Roughly a gallon.
*>*>Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. - Steven Wright
*>*>"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."- Mae West
*>*>A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
*>*>I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it. - Jonathan Winters
*>*>If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. - Steven Wright
*>*>The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
*>*>How to bathe the cat: 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Lift both lids and add shampoo. 3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him/her to the bathroom. 4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape. 5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds (ignore ruckus from inside toilet; cat is actually enjoying this). 6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. 7. Have someone open outside door; stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids. 8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and go outdoors where its hair will self-dry. Sincerely, The Dog
*>*>The two problems with cats are hairballs (you just thought of the scene in Shrek, didn't you?) and [there is no way to soften this], poop.So…the first one was easy to fix, we just shaved the car every day. Done-no more hairballs. Not as fun to have snuggle with you though! The second was a little more difficult. We determined that the only way to keep our cat from pooping was to train it not to eat. We were successful a couple times. The only problem was, as soon as we got them trained to not eat .. they died on us!
*>*>Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but always check when you say the paint is wet?
*>*>The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists. Sam Ewing
*>*>"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde
*>*>11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE 11 people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping ......
*>*>When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt. She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."
*>*>If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? - Steven Wright
*>*>Here's a Carson Quip from 1975 that is as pertinent today as it was then: "How many of you watched the Rose Parade from Pasadena? Or saw part of it? Beautiful, beautiful floats. Really. It is incredible. Everything on the floats has to be from living plants or florals. Most beautiful flowers I've ever seen. It looked like a funeral for the economy." Thanks Pat
*>*>If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. (thanks Chris)
*>*>Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. - Steven Wright
*>*>An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?" The worker yelled back, "Cause his wife's here with his lunch."
*>*>KENTUCKY: Five million people, fifteen last names.
*>*>Money isn't everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
*>*>My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
*>*>A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mark Twain (thanks Roger)
*>*>One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. (thanks Chris)
*>*>The Haircut A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Scriptures, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Scriptures, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said, 'You know, Dad , I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ ~ ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.' You're going to love the Dad 's reply: 'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'
*>*>Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
*>*>Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore. He cheats." "Why do you say that?" "Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green." "That's possible." "Not when I had it in my pocket!"
*>*>My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." - Steven Wright
*>*>Me and the Mrs. had a big argument this morning. She wanted a cat. I wanted a dog. So we compromised and got a cat.
*>*>There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this senior citizen handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my pecker," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
*>*>As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard and down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust. Suddenly we realized why: we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.
*>*>Brother Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.' Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.' 'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' 'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
*>*>There are two theories to arguing with a women - Neither one works.
*>*>G 103 A crafty old mountain lion used to hang around a ranch looking for stray cattle. One day he saw a bull off by himself and managed to kill it after a mighty battle. The bull was too heavy to drag off, so the mountain lion decided to just eat as much as he could hold. He ate and ate until he just couldn't eat any more. This made him feel really good, so he let out a big roar. That made him feel even better, so he roared again. He kept it up until the rancher came by and shot him. Moral: When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
*>*>D 104 Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool and throw them fish.
*>*>G 105 This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
*>*>Impossibilities in the world - 1- You can't count your hair. 2- You can't wash your eyes with soap. 3- You can't breathe when your tongue is out. Please put your tongue back inside your mouth, you look stupid
*>*>I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her friend. "I gave a poor beggar $25." "That's a lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your husband say?" "He said, 'Thank you'" thanks Ed.
*>*>Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
*>*>Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
*>*>G 110 The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
*>*>Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'
*>*>You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do. Olin Miller thanks Roger
*>*>Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then crap on your car. (thanks Chris)
*>*>82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot - Steven Wright
*>*>g 115 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. - Steven Wright
*>*>G 116 Dear Math, I am not a therapist. Solve your own problems.
*>*>A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
*>*>Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
*>*>G 119 A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty..'
*>*>Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder, and one hand over my mouth. Amen."
*>*>G 121 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation.
*>*>G 122 ATHEIST IN THE WOODS -- An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees!' 'What powerful rivers!' 'What beautiful animals!' He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!' Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?' 'Am I to count you as a believer?' The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?' 'Very well', said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
*>*>Newspaper headlines: Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice - Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years - Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man - Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy - Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better - 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
*>*>G 124 Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have. ~Unknown [thanks Che Bangs]
*>*>G 1445 Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. Erma Bombeck
*>*>Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
*>*>Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.' Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.' Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
*>*>Life is too short to remove a USB safely. Thanks Nazar
*>*>A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
*>*>If you are not prepared to lose every friend you have over a board game, you're not playing hard enough.
*>*>I was just sitting and relaxing... Some young children were playing and I was watching them. It amazed me how many of them were picking their noses! They would put their finger in their nose, pull out the finger, look at it closely, and then put it in their MOUTH!! Are you kidding me?? One after another did this. Didn’t their parents teach them any hygiene or manners?? Just then I felt an itch in my left nostril. It stayed for a while. I didn’t have any tissue around, so I put my finger in to itch it. When I removed my finger there was a pretty nice specimen on the end of it. I brought my finger close so I could look at it in more detail. It looked like a little drop of honey. I put it close to my nose again. It didn’t smell bad. I wonder .. what it would taste like? It came out of my body so how could it hurt if I put it back in? Kinda like recycling, right? All the kids around me were surviving. And I have never heard of a kid dying from putting a booger in his mouth. And they are ALL doing it. I wonder .. what it would taste like? In it went!! I used my tongue to remove it from my finger. I moved my tongue around a few times to savor the taste. “Hey, this tastes good!” No wonder all the kids were doing it.
*>*>Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. - Peter DeVries (thanks Catherine)
*>*>If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. - Steven Wright
*>*>G 134 A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
*>*>If your car could travel at the speed of light would your headlights work? - Steven Wright
*>*>An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
*>*>7/3/8 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.' --Johnny Carson
*>*>G 138 Never test the depth of the water with both feet
*>*>Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.' --Paul Rodriguez
*>*>Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
*>*>G 141 Cat that chewed your new boots
*>*>To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
*>*>cartoon - some time I think I have the worst job in the world
*>*>It was palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it!," the boy fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go, he shows up!"
*>*>How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? - Steven Wright
*>*>At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*>*>G 147 Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
*>*>"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."- Groucho Marx.
*>*>"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
*>*>G 150 "He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr
*>*>G 151 A boiled egg is hard to beat.
*>*>G 152 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
*>*>An Inspirational Story. Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first I said, 'Naaahhh!' Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.' Then I thought... Hey - I could win this!
*>*>Grandma's age - little Billy asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Billy thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
*>*>I have kleptomania, But when it gets bad, I take something for it
*>*>There is only one war, and it's not the rich against the poor, the blacks against the whites, the Federation against the Borg, or the Democrats versus the Republicans. It's those of us who aren't complete idiots against those of us who are. Thanks Bill.
*>*>A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts,"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling placental mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
*>*>The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
*>*>G 159 Do you know that awesome feeling when you go to bed and fall right to sleep, stay asleep all night and wake up rested, refreshed and ready to go? Yeah, me neither!
*>*>OK, so what's the speed of dark? - Steven Wright
*>*>G 161 Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help .
*>*>also 9/2/10 The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. - Steven Wright (thanks Chris)
*>*>"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"- Mark Twain
*>*>They've closed a road near where I live in order to repair a collapsed sewer-pipe. The construction workers have put up a sign saying: ROAD CLOSED But, since the actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend, a lot of drivers go just to see if the road is *really* closed. After they see that the road really is closed, they start making their way back. Their embarrassment is made worse by another sign right behind the ROAD CLOSED sign, but facing them on their return. The new sign reads: TOLD YOU SO!
*>*>"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts." — Bertrand Russell thanks Nazar
*>*>G 166 Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
*>*>Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid. John Wayne [thanks Vicki]
*>*>G 168 Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. - Steven Wright
*>*>The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
*>*>G 170 Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
*>*>A priest and a cab driver arrive at the gates of heaven. The cab driver is let in immediately, whilst the priest is told to wait outside. After several hours of waiting the now irate priest demands an explanation, "I've preached the word of the Lord for over 50 years and have been kept waiting for hours, but the cab driver is let in immediately, with no questions asked. What's going on?" The gatekeeper looks at his notes and replies, "When you preached the people slept, but when he drove, the people prayed." [thanks Sunil]
*>*>G 172 'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur
*>*>"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?" The irate elder customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. Madam, said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY". There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter... "Well, darn, that explains why no one was at church either." (thanks Dennis)
*>*>G 174 A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
*>*>Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
*>*>Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. - Steven Wright
*>*>I am having an out-of-money experience.
*>*>I never graduated from Iowa . But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's. Alex Karras
*>*>When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
*>*>Ol' Joe had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their Bishop to be with them. As the Bishop stood next to the bed, Ol' Joe's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The Bishop lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Joe used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died. The Bishop thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Joe died. He said, "You know, Ol' Joe handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Joe, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note and read, "Please step to your left--you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
*>*>Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
*>*>Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded with rolls of sod. I am going to do that when I win the lottery," announced #1 blonde. "Do what?" asked #2 blonde. "Send my lawn out to be mowed."
*>*>Bambi, a blonde in her 4th year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the questions; then, finally, said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.".
*>*>Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl. - Bill Peterson, football coach
*>*>You do not need a parachute to skydive. You definitely need a parachute to skydive twice.
*>*>One day a salesman stopped by the Sammy Jones farm and knocked. Sammy's wife Frannie came to the door. "Is your husband home, ma'am?" he asked. "Sure is. He's over to the cow barn." "Well, I've got something to show him, ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?" "Shouldn't have any difficulties. He's the one with the beard and mustache."
*>*>I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
*>*>Next year daylight saving time will begin by moving your clocks ahead one hour at 4 p.m. on FRIDAY afternoon. Who's with me on this??
*>*>Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
*>*>We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
*>*>When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
*>*>Instead of John, I call my bathroom Jim… It sounds a lot better when I say I went to the Jim first thing in the morning!!
*>*>If I had a dollar for every time I was distracted …. I wish I had some ice cream.
*>*>Had a big mix up at Wal-Mart today. Apparently, when the lady said "strip down facing me" she was referring to my credit card!
*>*>Three psychiatrists who are attending a convention decide to take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over-bill patients as often as I can. "The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me. "The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
*>*>The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
*>*>"Doc, I cant stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home," "That sounds like the sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's not Unusual."
*>*>The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
*>*>A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please and one for the road."
*>*>Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.
*>*>A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Ok, I'll serve you. But don’t start anything."
*>*>Two vampire bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood. The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?" The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you." After a while the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?" The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!" Other bat says, "I didn't."
*>*>A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks, "First offender?" She replies, "No first a Gibson, then a Fender."
*>*>I'll bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one shouts, "Cheetah!" And then they laugh and eat a Zebra or whatever.
*>*>Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
*>*>Bruce Jenner had never had an automobile accident until he became a woman driver.
*>*>Q. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? A. Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
*>*>A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at a Garden Center."My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one."Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; can't even see my coffee.""I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so disabled," volunteered a third."What? Speak up! What? I can´t hear you", said one elderly lady."I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement."My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another."I forget where I am and where I'm going," said another."I guess that´s the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man, as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement."Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully."Thank God we can all still drive."
*>*>To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. - Steven Wright
*>*>When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
*>*>On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"
*>*>I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
*>*>Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? - Steven Wright
*>*>G213 “I arise in the morning torn between the desire to improve the World and a desire to enjoy the World. This makes it hard to plan the day.” Elwyn Brooks White
*>*>G214 My mind says I’m in my twenties ... my body says, yeah, you wish.
*>*>G215 Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa.
*>*>G216 I have been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don’t think being an adult is going to work out for me.
*>*>G217 When you are dead, you don’t know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others. It is the same when you are stupid.
*>*>G218 I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
*>*>G219 “There are three kinds of people in the World. Those that are good at math and those that aren’t.”
*>*>G 220 Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
*>*>G 221 "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
*>*>G 222 If Don't Stop Believin' starts playing and the person next to you doesn’t start singing along, stop talking to them. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
*>*>G 223 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
*>*>G 224 Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old Granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
*>*>G 225 If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
*>*>G 226 The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
*>*>G 227 Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
*>*>G 228 In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
*>*>G 229 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
*>*>G 1444 Unattended Children will be given sugar, espresso, Noise-makers and a free PUPPY!!!
*>*>G 1446 Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants. Kevin James [and Guido]
*>*>Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. ~Michael Dresser
*>*>A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
*>*>A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
*>*>Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. - Steven Wright
*>*>An invisible man marries an invisible women. The kids were nothing to look at either.
*>*>"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."- Paul Keating
*>*>Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? Its been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
*>*>My wife, Cheryl, fixed a great Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey and all the fixin's. For Christmas she wants to try something new. She found a recipe for a combination Turkey/ham dinner made with Hollandaise sauce. She has been accumulating all the goodies. She has had me looking for chrome plates for the dinner. I have been looking high and low for them. Did you ever try to find Chrome dinner plates?? I keep telling her that I can't find them anywhere and we will just have to use china. She will have nothing to do with that. I have got to get her Chrome plates. After another week of frustration I finally told her that I just could not find any. She was very upset and begged me to keep looking. She had to have them and exclaimed, "There's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise!!" Have a great Christmas & holiday season!
*>*>Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
*>*> everybody talks during bass solo
*>*>flatline code blue1460 A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?
*>*>I hate it when people ask me what I will be doing in five years. Come on people, I don’t have 2020 vision!!
*>*>The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. - Steven Wright
*>*>For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs .
*>*>Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL
*>*>G 1465 Remember when you referred to your knees and 'right' and 'left' instead of 'good' and 'bad'?
*>*>G 1466 48 What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
*>*>G 1467 02 Dyslexics are teople poo.
*>*>G 1468 My mechanic told me, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Steven Wright
*>*>G 1469 59 A will is a dead giveaway.
*>*>G 1470 31 A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , for the remission of your sins.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: ' Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar.. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
*>*>G 1471 Goodnight and God bless. Red Skelton 1913-1997
*>*>G 1472 16 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. - Peter DeVries (thanks Catherine)
*>*>G 1473 26 If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. (thanks Chris)
*>*>G 1474 The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
*>*>G 1475 Here's a Johnny Carson Quip from 1975 that is as pertinent today as it was then: How many of you watched the Rose Parade from Pasadena? Or saw part of it? Beautiful, beautiful floats. Really. It is incredible. Everything on the floats has to be from living plants or florals. Most beautiful flowers I've ever seen. It looked like a funeral for the economy. Thanks Pat
*>*>G 1476 37 Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. --Bob Ettinger
*>*>G 1477 "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."- Billy Wilder
*>*>G 1478 60 The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
*>*>G 1479 Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. Dave Barry
*>*>G 1480 My doctor decided I needed a prescription for Lasix to help control water retention in my legs [edema]. I now have to go pee every 15 minutes! and ......... I have this weird desire to RUN a mile and an eighth.
*>*>G 1481 13 "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."- Mark Twain
*>*>G 1482 Don’t try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer. Brene Brown
*>*>G 1483 I don’t look like I used to. Here's the thing: The greatest justice in life is that your vision and your looks tend to go simultaneously." Kevin Bacon
*>*>G 1484 COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America
*>*>G 1485 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. - Steven Wright
*>*>G 1486 Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said. "While you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
*>*>G 1487 Don't you wish you were as fat as the FIRST time you thought you were? [thanks Lu]
*>*>G 1488 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Steven Wright
*>*>G 1489 Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
*>*>G 1490 45a I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it. - Jonathan Winters
*>*>G 1491 "I just miss my Thomas Brother's Map" Tom States - like United States
*>*>T 1492 the air is so much nicer up here Dennis Ballam
*>*>G 1493 44 "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
*>*>G 1494 41 Without enough sleep we all become tall two-year olds.
*>*>G 1495 Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung asign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it!
*>*>G 1496 33 I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
*>*>G 1497 While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'
*>*>G 1498 Sometimes I think war is Gods way of teaching us geography. --Paul Rodriguez
*>*>G 1499 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. - Steven Wright
*>*>G 1500 29 While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?' My brother explained that the sun rises in the East and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'
*>*>G 1501 3 My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. Mark Twain
*>*>G 1501 3 When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. Erma Bombeck
*>*>G 1502 Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's Voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or fish?" I said, "Thank you dear, I'll have chicken." She replied, "You're having soup, dummy. I was talking to the cat." thanks Roger
*>*>G 1503 69 One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
*>*>G 1504 If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? - Steven Wright
*>*>G 1505 70 Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
*>*>G 1506 I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in line. Stay strong brothers and sisters.
*>*>G 1507 In case of fire do not use elevator - use water.
*>*>G 1508 This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness. No we won't.
*>*>G 1509 35 When someone asks, "What's up?" answer them, "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."
*>*>G 1510 27 There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn from observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. - Will Rogers
*>*>G 1511 14 Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. - Steven Wright
*>*>G 1512 10 Ladies, if a man says he is going to fix something, he will. There is no need to remind him about it every six months!
*>*>G 1513 28 "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."- Stephen Bishop
*>*>G 1514 57 "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
*>*>G 1515 33 Always give 100% .. Unless you are giving blood!
*>*>G 1516 You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do. Olin Miller thanks Roger
*>*>G 1517 Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist'
*>*>G 1518 02 Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. - Steven Wright
*>*>G 1519 27 "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."- Samuel Johnson
*>*>G 1520 A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
*>*>G 1521 Happy 4th of July weekend! Remember, if you've been drinking and are going to be using fireworks - make sure someone is getting it on video. — andy lassner
*>*>G 1522 15b "He is a self-made man and worships his creator."- John Bright
*>*>G 1523 A woman who is three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes and asks her doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins. A boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: OH, no. Not my brother he's an idiot. What did he name the girl? Doctor: Deniese Woman: Well, that's not too bad, and what did he name the boy. Doctor: Denephew.
*>*>G 1524 20 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - Steven Wright
*>*>G 1525 23 Mankind has survived all catastrophes. It will also survive modern medicine. German philosopher Gerhard Kocher (Thanks Chris)
*>*>G 1526 04 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
*>*>G 1527 66 Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. - Steven Wright
*>*>G 1528 25 The batteries were given out free of charge.
*>*>G 1529 03 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.' --Oscar Wilde
*>*>G 1530 21 I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. - Steven Wright
*>*>G 1531 A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
*>*>G 1532 73 Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
*>*>G 1533 stage For a while Houdini used trap doors in every act ..... it was a stage he was going through.
*>*>G 1534 bulletin To hot to keep changing sign. Sin bad. Jesus good. Details inside.
*>*>G 1535 16 "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."- Oscar Wilde
*>*>G 1536 12 A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies. . . You just happened to catch my eye."
*>*>G 1537 25 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. - Steven Wright
*>*>G 1538 66 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."- Irvin S. Cobb
*>*>G 1539 white I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates. - Steven Wright
*>*>G 1540 03 Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan --A. Whitney Brown
*>*>G 1541 21 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? H.M. Warner (1881-1958) founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927
*>*>G 1542 09 Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. - General MacArthur
*>*>G 1543 12 The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news." "What's the bad news?" asks the accused. "The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it." "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is 130."
*>*>G 1544 44 Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
*>*>G 1545 bath scale A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help," she said. "Sure, it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
*>*>G 1546 12 My dad suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart. Thanks Sunil
*>*>G 1547 27 Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
*>*>G 1548 3 My doctor was quite a large man. He looked like the only thing he'd ever cured was pork. Thanks Sunil
*>*>G 1549 dictionary I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
*>*>G 1550 45a I need a raise, the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me." Is that so? asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" The electric company, the cell phone company, and the gas company.
*>*>G 1551 28 I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?'...
*>*>G 1552 ECHS I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
*>*>G 1553 chinese I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
*>*>G 1554 57a A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. - Steven Wright
*>*>G 1555 32 Remember when teachers said that we wouldn’t have calculators with us where ever we were. Well, we showed them!!
*>*>G 1556 Triscuit is the perfect combination of cracker and doormat. Jason Gelles
*>*>G 1557 dishwasher "I’d rather spend ten minutes rearranging the dishwasher to accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand."
*>*>G 1558 75 Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” ElizaBayne
*>*>G 1559 My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
*>*>G 1560 76 You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
*>*>G 1561 ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”
*>*>G 1562 CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”
*>*>G 1563 Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere. George Burns
*>*>G 1564 72 One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. Michelle Wolf
*>*>G 1565 59 The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
*>*>G 1566 Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
*>*>G 1567 Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.”
*>*>G 1568 Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”
*>*>G 1569 Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”
*>*>G 1570 55b Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family - in another city. George Burns
*>*>G 1571 turkey May your stuffing be tasty, May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious, And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!~Grandpa Jones
*>*>G 1572 I was staying in a hotel last night. Before I went to bed, I phoned down to reception. "Hi, this is room 317. Can I have a wake-up call, please?" The receptionist replied, "Yes. You're fat, in your 40's and given you're staying in such a cheap hotel probably haven't achieved much in your life." [thanks again to sunil]
*>*>G 1573 band I’m trying to get into classical music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands. Dan Burt
*>*>G 1574 78 Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of the rest are stupider than that. George Carlin
*>*>G 1575 This beef is so undercooked, it's started to eat the salad -Gordon Ramsay
*>*>G 1576 CB Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
*>*>G 1577 1040 I was delighted when the Tax Authorities wrote to me and said that my tax return was outstanding," particularly as I don't even remember sending it in.
*>*>G 1578 82 Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. George Burns
*>*>G 1579 39 "If the World were perfect, it wouldn’t be" Yogi Berra
*>*>G 1580 ---- none ----
*>*>G 1581 Computer: "Enter new password." Me: "Beef stew" Computer: "Sorry, not stroganoff"
*>*>G 1582 police car -I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
*>*>G 1583 24 Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
*>*>G 1584 18 Take my advice - I'm not using it.
*>*>G 1585 63 Times have been tough lately. My husband ran off with the woman next door. I really do miss her.
*>*>G 1586 01 Here is a story of a waiter who asked a customer whether he had enjoyed the meal he just had. The guest replied that everything was fine, but it would have been better if they had served more bread. The next day, when the man returned, the waiter doubled the amount of bread, giving him four slices instead of two, but still the man was not happy. The next day, the waiter doubled the bread again, without success. On the fourth day, the waiter was really determined to make the man happy. And so he took a nine-foot-long (3-m) loaf of bread, cut it in half, and with a smile, served that to the customer. The waiter could scarcely wait for the man’s reaction. After the meal, the man looked up and said, “Good as always. But I see you’re back to giving only two slices of bread.”
*>*>G 1587 Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
*>*>G 1588 If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
*>*>G 1589 36 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
*>*>G 1590 [flowers] At my age flowers scare me. George Burns
*>*>G 1591 28 I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …” Demetri Martin
*>*>G 1592 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
*>*>G 1593 12a His wife and he were happy for twenty years; then they met.
*>*>G 1594 Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
*>*>G 1595 84 Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
*>*>G 1596 86 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
*>*>G 1597 old guy 210 First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. George Burns
*>*>"Where's my damn dinner?"
*>*>G 1598 18 Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
*>*>G 1599 60 I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
*>*>G 1600 08 I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
*>*>G 1601 casket I don't usually pass on news like this. I know you are busy. But sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about, so I pass on this sad, sad news. There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. The truly horrible thing is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and.... well, you know the rest.
*>*>G 1602 clock To keep the dream alive; I like to hit the snooze button! Thanks Bruff Brigham
*>*>G 1603 Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
*>*>G 1604 If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
*>*>G 1605 I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
*>*>G 1606 If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
*>*>G 1607 27 He who laughs last thinks slowest.
*>*>G 1608 "Were officially ending our days as a cover band." This Is Us Cousin Ricky, played by Brian Tyree Henry
*>*>G 1609 The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. George Burns
*>*>G 1610 Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung asign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it!
*>*>G 1611 While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'
*>*>G 1612 22 Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
*>*>G 1613 22 Only in America ……….
*>*>G 1614 While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?' My brother explained that the sun rises in the East and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'
*>*>G 1615 11 I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
*>*>G 1616 A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed. Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.
*>*>G 1617 05 After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
*>*>G 1618 86 The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic. her mother said. It's too late! the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."
*>*>G 1619 94 Red sky at night, sailor’s delight. Blue sky at night, day.
*>*>G 1620 After a talking to the sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
*>*>G 1621 22 URGENT WARNING! I hate it when people give bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally…but this one is REAL, and it’s important. So please send this warning to everyone on your email and facebook list! If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the Spring weather and asks you to take your clothes off and spin around with your arms up….DO NOT DO IT! THIS IS A SCAM!They only want to see you naked.I just wish I’d gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. Tom
*>*>G 1622 50 Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Nana. Nana who? Nana your business who’s there.
*>*>G 1623 2 A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
*>*>G 1624 The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
*>*>G 1625 19a So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world. Stewart Francis
*>*>G 1626 26a Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
*>*>G 1627 Some are blessed with musical ability, others with good looks. Myself, I was blessed with modesty. Roger Moore
*>*>G 1628 Chester I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him. —Reid Faylor
*>*>G 1629 32 If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today? One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”
*>*>G 1630 Q: What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? A: The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
*>*>G 1631 ice hockey All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity. Gordie Howe
*>*>G 1632 88 "People in hell - where do they tell people to go?" Red Skelton
*>*>G 1633 A bar in Sonama was about a mile from my house and I passed by it every day. I laughed every day. The name of the bar? "He's Not Here!" Tom States
*>*>G 1634 I recently stumbled upon my favorite new sports team. It’s a woman’s bowling squad called "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter." Jacqueline Tessman
*>*>G 1635 I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, “You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”
*>*>G 1636 What rhymes with orange no it doesn't
*>*>G 1637 86 When I open my eyes - if I don’t see candles and smell flowers I get up. Red Skelton
*>*>G 1638 Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way. Steve Martin
*>*>G 1639 My five-year-old son is crazy about cars, so I took him to his first car show. He loved seeing all the different models and brands, and gushed over the big engines, the colors, and even the wheels. But the car he was most impressed with was a hearse. “Mom!” he shouted. “Look at all this storage!” Sara Simeral
*>*>G 1640 95 The only exercise I get is acting as a pall bearer for my friends who exercise the most. Red Skelton
*>*>G 1641 If you get a friend request from someone named Jeremiah….It' ok, go ahead and accept it. He's a bullfrog. He's a good friend of mine.
*>*>G 1642 102 After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.” “What’s your word?” the host replied. “Bored out of my mind,” said the caller. From Sports Illustrated
*>*>G 1643 It seems that William Tell, aside from being involved in such exploits as escaping across Lake Lucerne and being able to shoot an apple off his kid's head with an arrow, was also one MEAN bowler. In fact, he was so good that on occasion he was contracted out to secretly take the place of certain other bowlers in the leagues when large bets were on. The economic situation being what it was, Mr. Tell didn't mind a little money on the side. It turns out that there was one particular Swiss nobleman who was an unusually poor bowler, and this gentleman made use of Mr. Tell's services in league matches quite often. Finally, Tell more or less took this man's place in the league, no one being the wiser, and both men became quite wealthy as a result. Much later, in the 1930s, Ernest Hemingway was doing some literary research in Bern when he more or less accidentally came across the diaries of this nobleman, which included a detailed account of the hitherto undiscovered arrangement between himself and Mr. Tell. So fascinated was Hemingway with this man who had had such an effect on Tell's life that he immediately began working on a book about the nobleman. T he book became a literary classic, selling millions of copies. The title, of course, was ... "For Whom the Tell Bowls."
*>*>G 1644 funny lawyer questyioins “How many times have you committed suicide?” “Was it you or your brother who was killed?” “Were you alone or by yourself?” “Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.” “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?” “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, ?he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
*>*>G 1645 When you are finished BBQing, and the ice has melted, just pull the handle down and the fire goes out.
Is this a great country, or what??!!
*>*>G 1646 100 “If you lived here, you’d be om by now.” Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
*>*>G 1647 19a The four most beautiful words in our common language: "I told you so." Gore Vidal
*>*>G 1648 We need a 12-step group for complusive talkers. They could call if On Anon Anon
*>*>G 1649 Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
*>*>G 1650 Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me. Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil. Thanks sunil
*>*>G 1651 94 Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
*>*>G 1652 04 Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
*>*>G 1653 95 The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
*>*>G 1654 If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
*>*>G 1655 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
*>*>G 1656 90 Frank and Tom meet after many a years and begin catching up on old times. Frank: "Hey last time I heard, your engagement fell through. What happened?" Tom: "Well it was her decision. She decided I wasn't good enough for her." Frank: "I'm so sorry to hear that. But you know what? You should have told her about your extremely wealthy dad, and how you would inherit his money." Tom: "I did. She's my stepmother now." thanks Sunil
*>*>G 1657 My pet mouse Elvis has died. He was caught in a trap.
*>*>G 1658 32 My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
*>*>G 1659 cdl I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
*>*>G 1660 herse Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
*>*>G 1661 Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
*>*>G 1662 I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over
*>*>G 1663 I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
For as long as I can remember, I have been collecting ‘motivational’ tidbits of information. I remember back as far as the 8th grade collecting many ‘Confucius say’ sayings and others that were humorous. Most everything collected then was of a humorous nature.Type your paragraph here.
A few years ago, I felt that it was selfish of me to keep all this motivation, inspiration, persuasion, humor, and comfort to myself. I started sending out a “thought for the day” via email to friends and family. I figure that they are as busy as I am so the ‘thoughts’ are normally just one liners.
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